A counsellor’s reflection on empathy, internal frame of reference, and seeing the world through another’s eyes.
By Claire Hastings, Counsellor at InnerMe Counselling®
'You never really understand a person until you consider things from their point of view… until you climb into their skin and walk around in it.'
— Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird (1960)
In To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch, a small-town lawyer in the racially divided American South, teaches his children the importance of empathy and justice. This quote is part of his advice to Scout, his daughter, when she’s struggling to understand the behaviour of others.
I first read this quote as a teenager in the 1980s. It’s from the classic of modern American literature ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ and it was compulsory reading for my English Literature class. This quote though, had such an impact on me at that age. You see until this quote, I had never really thought about or been aware that two or more people could go through the same situation, experience, or set of circumstances and experience them completely differently.
From that small moment of awareness or realisation, I began to try to practice the words of the quote. I tried to understand what might be going on for other people and to ‘consider things from their point of view’. Over time and as I grew older this filtered its way into my life, and my work which has always been about supporting people.
It was only when I reached my early fifties, training to be a counsellor that I learned the name for what I had been trying to do all along. In person-centred counselling, as a counsellor I am trying to understand a person’s internal frame of reference, seeing the world through the other persons eyes as they experience it. From this place of understanding, I can offer empathy in the hope that the other person feels and receive it in the way you need. As Alfred Adler put it: 'Seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another.'
I aim to understand and get to the heart of how you are experiencing your world and the concern that brought you to counselling. When I reflect, summarise, or paraphrase what you have said, I am really trying to understand your view from where you stand, to 'climb into your skin and walk around in it.'
If I’m not quite getting it, that’s okay. I want you to tell me, “No, it’s like this,” or “It’s more like that.” Counsellors want to know. I don’t just use words to try to reach this understanding of your internal world; I want to understand what you are experiencing, how it feels, how you describe those feelings. I notice how you move, how you sit, your agitation, your calmness, the speed of your speech, the tone and the inflections of your voice. My aim isn’t to interpret them, but to deepen my understanding of your unique, subjective world as you are experiencing it in that moment.
If you can sit with someone who has really listened to you and gets you, what you’ve experienced and what is causing your pain then that connection can be a turning point. It can be a powerful experience for change.
Even now, all these years later I find it really inspiring and hopeful that Harper Lee’s words, and Adler’s reminder still play their part in my life. They remind me every time I sit with a client that each person’s world is unique, and that seeing the world through another’s eyes, even for a short while, is a special and meaningful experience.
When was the last time you felt truly seen and heard, or offered that kind of understanding to someone else?
About Me
I’m Claire Hastings, a BACP-registered counsellor and founder of InnerMe Counselling®. I work online and by phone with people across the UK and Europe, supporting those navigating the emotional challenges that can arise during life’s transitions. You can find out more about how I work at www.innerme-counselling.co.uk
Tags: empathy l person-centred counselling l internal frame of reference l understanding others l counselling reflections l mental health l therapy
Credits for photographs - Images courtesy of alexander mass (top), erik Barbosa, (middle) Pexels
© Claire Hastings T/A InnerMe Counselling®