By Claire Hastings, Counsellor at InnerMe Counselling
Noticing What We Feel
When you feel jealous or envious, it can be really difficult to pinpoint exactly what you are sensing. It can feel confusing, disorientating, and make us question ourselves, wondering if these feelings are believable or trustworthy. These emotions are closely related, and sometimes may even overlap, so I thought it might be useful to explore not just what they are, but also how they feel
Jealousy is that uneasy feeling you get when you worry about losing someone or something that matters to you. It usually about relationships, your partner, a close friend, or a family member. You might notice feeling restless, tense or irritated like something is getting under your skin. Maybe that's jealousy.
Envy might bubble to the surface when someone else has or achieves something we want but don’t have. It could be a job promotion, a more successful business, or even a new car. Most of us have felt that twinge when someone else has something we don’t. Could that be envy you're feeling? What’s something you might have felt envious over recently, even if it was just for a moment?
Jealousy and Envy usually arise in relation to other people, relationships, or comparisons.
Jealousy might bring feelings of fear, anger, and insecurity, because it’s about the possibility of the loss of something really important to you. Envy might bring feelings of frustration, resentment, or longing because it’s about wanting something someone else has.
This might be why these emotions can feel so intense and sometimes really confusing. They might be trying to tell you something about your own needs, values, and relationships. Understanding them as emotions might be the first step to noticing what they might be trying to tell us.
Healthy and Unhealthy Jealousy and Envy
Not all feelings of jealousy and envy are bad. Both emotions can give us useful information about ourselves and our relationships if we are able to make sense and reach and understanding of what they might be telling us.
These words from Maya Angelou speak to me of the nature of Jealousy and the vulnerability that might feed it:
'Jealousy is conceived only in insecurity and must be nourished in fear.'
(Angelou, 1976)
I hear the meaning here in this quote as jealousy usually starts when we feel unsure of ourselves or our relationships, and it grows when we let fear take over. In other words, jealousy might be signposting us to what we care about and where we feel vulnerable. Noticing it can help us to think about our needs and respond thoughtfully, instead of letting fear drive our actions and responses.
What if : You notice your partner talking or messaging a lot with someone new, and feelings of jealousy surface. Instead of reacting or panicking, you notice the feeling and ask yourself, ‘What is this about? What do I need? That pause lets you respond thoughtfully instead of letting fear drive your actions.
Unhealthy jealousy, on the other hand, can take over. It can lead to constant checking, overthinking, or acting out in ways that hurt the very relationships we care about. With fear or insecurity behind the emotion rather than insight.
Envy works in a similar way. I think this quote captures the healthier side of Envy.
'Blessed is he who has learned to admire but not envy, to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and to lead but not manipulate.'
(Ward, n.d.)
Healthy envy can inspire us, helping us notice what we want in our own lives, reflect on our goals and aims, or look at others without resentment. Unhealthy envy, however, can really linger with us, resulting in feelings of bitterness, resentfulness, or being stuck in a cycle of comparison.
What if: A work colleague gets a promotion you really wanted, or thought would becoming your way. The envy you feel can either really get under your skin and eat away at you or signal what you really want from your own career or at your workplace? How could you use that feeling to help bring into focus your hopes and aims instead of letting it frustrate you?
Using These Emotions for Growth
'Where your fear is, there is your task.'
(Jung, n.d.)
Both jealousy and envy often arise from fear.
Fear of loss,
fear of not being enough, or
fear that someone else has what we want.
If we notice these feelings and explore what they’re really telling us about our own needs and insecurities, they might be a signpost or guide, rather than obstacles.
Just like the small flame lighting the candle, even small steps toward our fears can help bring into our awareness a possible way ahead. Simply noticing and thinking about what frightens us can be enough to start turning these emotions into insight and growth.
What if: Scrolling through social media, you notice envy rising at friends’ achievements. Instead of letting it eat away at you, pause and think about, ‘What does this show me about my aims and values? What can I learn or understand about my own life?
Have you noticed jealousy or envy creeping in recently? What might that emotion be trying to tell you about what matters most?
Feelings of jealousy or envy aren’t bad or wrong they simply reflect what you care about. They can offer valuable information about what we are experiencing, the situations we are in, and the relationships we are part of moment to moment.
About Me
I’m Claire Hastings, a BACP-registered counsellor and InnerMe Counselling® is my practice. I work online and by telephone with people across the UK and Europe, supporting those navigating the emotional challenges that can arise during life’s transitions. You can find out more about how I work at www.innerme-counselling.co.uk
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Categories: jealousy l envy l difficult emotions l self-reflection l emotional awareness
© Claire Hastings T/A InnerMe Counselling®