By Claire Hastings, Counsellor at InnerMe Counselling®
I’m sitting in my local Costa on one of the hottest days in July ever recorded, with an iced skinny latte, scrolling through the Kindle app on my phone. Around me there are some people working on laptops, friends with young children, tired shoppers and in the background the regular 'whoosh whoosh' of the coffee machine.
Sometimes, I like to do this to feel connected and close to other people but not necessarily in conversation with them.
There’s something comforting about sharing a space with others, even quietly. I can sit with my coffee, read a few pages of a book and simply notice the conversations, the laughter and the comings and goings around me.
And this makes me think about how as humans we find meaningful connection.
As a counsellor, I think I’ve become more aware of the different kinds of connection and closeness to others that nourish me. Sometimes it’s spending time with family or friends. Sometimes it’s being part of a group brought together by a shared interest. Sometimes it’s simply being alongside other people without needing to join in.
I recently read Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman published about 10 years ago. It is a bittersweet story that gently explores what loneliness can look like, even when someone appears to be managing life perfectly well. It also explores how friendship can develop in ordinary, unremarkable ways.
Throughout the book there is a developing friendship between Eleanor and a work colleague, Raymond. As their friendship begins Eleanor initially makes judgements about Raymond, particularly because of his appearance, but as their friendship develops, she begins to experience his kindness and his acceptance.
Raymond offers Eleanor something that she perhaps hasn't experienced for a long time. He offers her time, kindness and a sense of safety. He is there for her when work colleagues judge her and exclude her.
As their friendship develops, those small moments of connection begin to make a difference. The routines and structures Eleanor has built around herself to get through life and cope with the trauma she experienced as a child, gently begin to shift. Through this friendship she begins to experience what it feels like to be accepted and valued by another person.
Reading the book left me wondering how often meaningful connection begins in the smallest of moments.
Perhaps that’s why, the words, ‘shall I put the kettle on?” can mean so much more.
Sometimes it means:
“I’ve got time for you.”
“Come and sit down.”
“How have you been?”
“You don’t have to be on your own for a while.”
Psychiatrist Dan Siegel has written about the importance of connection and relationships for our wellbeing. His research reminds us that we are shaped, in part, through our relationships with others. Feeling seen, heard and accepted can have a huge impact on how we experience ourselves and the world around us.
Perhaps this is one of the reasons human connection is so important. We all need moments where we feel listened to, understood and accepted.
This is something I see in person-centred counselling. The relationship between counsellor and client provides a space where someone can explore their thoughts, feelings and experiences without judgement. It is not about having the answers given to us but about experiencing a relationship where we feel safe enough to become aware of our own answers.
I’ve found myself thinking more about the everyday moments that help us feel connected.
A coffee or cup of tea with a friend.
A familiar face at a regular group.
A quiet hour in a busy café.
Perhaps it has never really been about tea or coffee.
Perhaps it has always been about the invitation.
The time.
The conversation.
The quiet companionship.
The feeling that, for a little while, someone is saying, "I'm here.”
Perhaps connection is not always about how many people we have around us. Perhaps it is about those moments where we feel noticed, accepted and part of something.
As I finish my coffee and get ready to leave, I wonder....
What helps you feel connected?
About Me:
I’m Claire Hastings, a BACP-registered counsellor and founder of InnerMe Counselling®. I work online and by telephone with people across the UK and Europe, supporting those navigating the emotional challenges that can arise during life’s transitions. You can find out more about how I work at www.innerme-counselling.co.uk
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Tags: Connection l Friendship l Person-Centred Counselling l Relationships l Belonging l Kindness l Reflection
© Claire Hastings T/A InnerMe Counselling®