Reflections on how resentment builds, lingers, and gently softens.
By Claire Hastings, Counsellor at InnerMe Counselling®
For this month’s blog, I’ve been thinking about the feeling of resentment, how it might form over time, how it can linger, and how easily it might take hold without us really noticing or even being aware.
I’ve noticed how resentment seems to build slowly, gradually, picking up and adding to a mix of other emotions along the way, such as frustration, hurt, and anger. Then add in the stories we tell ourselves and moments that seem to confirm what we already feel and before long, it can become something that feels heavier, harder to move and might leave us feeling stuck.
Have you ever rolled a really big snowball? The sort that rips up a path together with whatever else is under the snow. All sorts of things get picked up and packed in. Leaves, twigs, pieces of gravel, leaving a trail of clear ground behind it. I wonder if that’s how we might think of resentment.
A small comment or moment where we felt hurt or overlooked rolls on like a snowball, gathering up more feelings and other experiences. It packs them in gradually and subtly shaping our view of people, situations, our experiences, and even the world around us, through the lens of resentment.
When we are experiencing these feelings deeply, we might notice how everyone else seems to be carrying on and continuing. The people involved in that original moment are getting on with their lives, not even aware of how we might be feeling or what we are struggling with, holding their own views and managing their own struggles.
This quote attributed to Nelson Mandela, I think seems to sum up how, resentment only really continues to affect the person who initially felt the hurt.
‘Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.’
Perhaps it’s a slightly unseasonal image, thinking of snow as spring begins to arrive, but in some ways that feels fitting too. Just as the seasons change, what once felt frozen, solid, and heavy can slowly begin to soften.
In counselling, I might be alongside people as they begin to explore and reflect upon all sorts of feelings and experiences, including feeling resentful. There can be a real feeling of moving away from carrying the weight of these when we are being really heard, accepted unconditionally and understood.
Sometimes, subtle shifts occur in that space. Remembering moments of kindness, care, or understanding from the past or recognising them in the present can quietly alter how the experience sits within us
It’s not a step-by-step process that fixes the feeling, but what unfolds in the process of counselling can be gradual and relational. Awareness and compassion may begin to exist alongside the hurt, not to erase it, but to allow it to be felt, acknowledged, and understood.
Resentment doesn’t simply disappear, but by meeting it with awareness and curiosity we may begin to soften its grip.
About Me
I’m Claire Hastings, a BACP-registered counsellor and founder of InnerMe Counselling®. I work online and by telephone with people across the UK and Europe, supporting those navigating the emotional challenges that can arise during life’s transitions. You can find out more about how I work at www.innerme-counselling.co.uk
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© Claire Hastings T/A InnerMe Counselling®